The Gottman Method: Thriving Relationship Part II

These skills and concepts are derived from the extensive research and clinical work of the Gottmans. They have been shown to promote relationship satisfaction and resilience. Couples can benefit from learning and practicing these skills through workshops, counseling, or self-help resources provided by the Gottman’s and their organization, The Gottman Institute.  These include effective communication, emotional attunement, conflict management techniques, building friendship and fondness, and maintaining a positive perspective on the relationship. They have developed interventions, workshops, and therapy approaches, such as the Gottman Method, to help couples apply these principles and improve their relationships. The Gottmans' research is primarily based on their extensive longitudinal studies, which have involved observing and studying thousands of couples over several decades. Their research incorporates various methods and measures to understand the dynamics of love and relationship satisfaction. Here are some of the key research methods and findings: 

1. Soft Start-up:  This skill involves initiating conversations or raising issues in a calm and non-confrontational manner. It emphasizes using "I" statements to express thoughts and feelings without blame or criticism.
2. Love Maps:  Love mapping involves deepening your understanding of your Partner's inner world by regularly exploring and updating your knowledge about their dreams, desires, fears, and life events. It helps foster emotional connection and intimacy.
3. Fondness and Admiration: Cultivating a culture of appreciation and admiration for your partner's positive qualities and actions is essential for relationship satisfaction. Expressing genuine fondness and admiration strengthens the bond between partners.
4. Turning Towards Bids:  Bids for emotional connection are small requests or gestures made by one partner to the other. Turning towards bids involves responding positively and attentively to these bids, which nurtures trust, connection, and intimacy.
5. Managing Conflict: Gottman identifies several strategies for managing conflict, such as taking regular breaks to calm down during heated discussions, using "repair attempts" to de-escalate conflict, and practicing compromise and negotiation skills.
6. The Four Horsemen:  The Gottmans have identified four negative communication patterns that can erode a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Recognizing and addressing these destructive patterns is crucial for relationship health.
7. Perpetual Problems and Gridlock: Perpetual problems are ongoing conflicts that may not have a clear resolution. Gottman emphasizes the importance of accepting and managing these issues by shifting focus towards understanding and dialogue rather than trying to "solve" them.
8. Emotional Bank Account: The concept of an emotional bank account involves making consistent deposits of positive experiences, acts of kindness, and support into the relationship. This helps build a foundation of trust, goodwill, and resilience during challenging times.

It is important to note that Gottmans' research has contributed significantly to the field of relationship science, but individual experiences and relationship dynamics can vary. Their findings provide valuable insights into relationship health, but each couple's situation is unique, and personalized support from qualified professionals may be beneficial for specific challenges or concerns.

The Gottmans have conducted extensive research on couples' communication, both verbal and nonverbal, with a particular focus on the first three seconds of an interaction. They have found that these initial moments are crucial in determining the tone and trajectory of the conversation.

 Here are some key findings from their research:

1.    Emotional Contagion: The Gottmans have observed that partners' emotional states can quickly influence each other within the first three seconds of an interaction. Positive emotions, such as warmth, affection, and humor, can create a positive atmosphere and foster connection. Conversely, negative emotions, like anger, defensiveness, or contempt, can escalate conflicts and deteriorate the relationship. 

2.    Nonverbal Cues: Nonverbal communication plays a significant role in conveying emotions and intentions. Gottman has found that nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, have a powerful impact on how a message is received. Negative nonverbal cues, like eye-rolling, crossed arms, or an aggressive tone, can trigger defensiveness and escalate conflicts. 

3.    Repair Attempts: The first three seconds of an interaction are also crucial for detecting and responding to repair attempts. Repair attempts are small gestures, words, or actions used to de-escalate tension or repair the connection. Partners who effectively recognize and respond to repair attempts can prevent conflicts from escalating and maintain a positive emotional climate in the relationship. 

4.    The Positive-to-Negative Ratio: The Gottmans' research has emphasized the importance of maintaining a positive-to-negative ratio in couples' communication. They have found that relationships thrive when positive interactions outweigh negative ones. Within the first three seconds of an interaction, partners can set the tone by choosing to respond with warmth, appreciation, and understanding.

The Gottmans' research highlights the significance of the initial moments in communication and how partners' responses to each other can influence the course of the interaction. Being aware of one's nonverbal cues, recognizing and responding to repair attempts, and fostering a positive emotional climate are important skills for effective communication and building a healthy relationship. Each couple's dynamics and experiences may vary, and personalized support from a qualified professional can help address specific challenges and enhance communication skills. The Gottmans have authored several books that provide valuable insights and practical guidance for couples. 

Here are some of their most well-known and highly recommended books:

1. "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" - In this book, the Gottmans present their renowned seven principles based on their research findings. They provide practical tools and exercises to help couples strengthen their friendship, improve communication, manage conflict, and build a lasting, fulfilling marriage.
2. "The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" - This book offers a comprehensive guide to building healthy relationships, not just within a romantic partnership but also within families and friendships. It explores the importance of emotional connection, effective communication, and repairing relationship ruptures.
3. "And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives" - Focusing on the transition to parenthood, this book helps couples navigate the challenges that arise when a baby enters their lives.  It offers practical strategies for preserving intimacy, maintaining a strong partnership, and fostering a healthy family environment.
4. "The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples" - This book delves into the crucial element of trust in relationships and explores how emotional attunement, understanding, and responsiveness are essential for building and maintaining trust. It provides insights into the dynamics of trust and offers guidance on repairing breaches of trust.
5. "What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal" - Investigating the factors that contribute to the longevity of relationships, this book delves into the complex issues of trust, commitment, and betrayal. It offers practical tools and strategies to help couples build trust, manage conflict, and cultivate lasting love.

These books provide evidence-based advice, practical exercises, and real-life examples to help couples navigate common challenges and strengthen their relationships. They offer valuable insights from the Gottmans' extensive research and clinical experience. Whether you are looking to enhance communication, manage conflict, or deepen your emotional connection, these books can be valuable resources for couples seeking to build and maintain a healthy and fulfilling partnership. 

By: Nichole Oliver LPC, NCC, DAAETS